Category: Uncategorized

  • I is back

    Ok. So six months into my ‘definitive’ year. And absolutely no progress on the novel. I am going through something of a re-adolescence though – bought a Wii, a camera, a guitar and a language course. It’s like being 15 again. But with less Thatcher. And no growing pains. Although the ends of the fingers are tender from many years of ignoring punk rock.

    I am listening to Introductory French as I type, so apologies in advance if I suddenly get republican on your ass. Or derriere, should that be. Be that should. That. It. should be. Be. It should.

    Maybe Yoda should have been French. Then he could have been Freoda. Or Yench. And on that bombshell. A bientot.

  • Bubblicious

    I have been drinking bubbles. Although I suspect that the bubbles themselves are not alcoholic. Or calorific. Or even bubblicious. Bastard advertisers of the 1980s unite. They are popsilicious! And alchinatonic. Stotius! Stialidowhoopsie!

    Sigh. Tum ti tum. You wouldn’t credit how many times I have typed that in my life. I mean, it’s not your average sentence is it? Tum ti tum/ Altogether too many vowels. And possibly bubbles.

    Anyhoo. Where was I? Bubbling. Oh yes. I managed to make my weight vary by 3.6kgs yesterday. I’m so proud. Almost as proud as John D’un’eath’roaming, the world’s first suicidal estate agent. I am the Wiiiiiiner. Or at least I wiiiiiill be, when I buy a Wiiii.

    Speaking of which. It is time. Oh Oh. It is time. For stormy weather. Or other Pixies songs involving the loo. I am the loo, you are the loo, we are the loo, wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Or similar.

    Tomorrow. Tomorrow wiiiiiiiill be the day. The day God made. The day Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog died. And the day.

    That marks the beginning. T.r.u.s.t. me.

  • Drop the pear

    Well. I think I have finally sorted out the Monk Quixote domain stuff. Which is SO. PROFOUNDLY. Not a pear drop moment that I’m almost ashamed to mention it. However, as I now have ‘proper’ RSS feeds set up for this blog, I have no excuse but to try and provide some content.

    Life is finally coming together. And go read Neil’s ongoing memories of Douglas Adams. Both funny, incisive and hopeful – as ever – ‘No-one else has seemed capable of being so cheerfully profoundly miserable.’ Something to aspire to, as my friends will agree.

    Smile.

  • Delicious irony

    1. I’ve finally become someone who uses ‘so’ instead of ‘anyhoo’ to link (admittedly fragmented) thoughts. That means there is some hope for a narrative to be drawn from A to Yes please, I’ll take those royalty terms sir.

    2. I expended energy today defending the ‘worth’ of blogging in various socio-political terms to someone who was (a) blogging, (b) respects my opinion as much as a chocolate frog. Although to be fair I have never seen them in the vicinity of a chocolate frog. Or now that I think about it, chocolate. Or perhaps the letter ‘c’. Ok. That was pushing it.

    3. Someone has visited the site looking for ‘keeping your readers with you’. Which is so funny I could spit chocolate frogs.

    4. House.

    5. Iron is not a very funny metal. Although ferric oxide has its moments.

    6. Delicious cannot give your shirts nice creases. Although it could crease your brow.

    6 (again). Seriously. Who uses the word ‘brow’ in polite conversation. Or conversation with choclit frawgz.

    7. Forrest Gimp. The masochistic hero of our times. Who probably eats shrimp. Gumbo choclit shrimp.

    Yum yum.

  • We-think wii-think me-thing

    An interesting day of many different culture clashes yesterday:

    Walking up Fetter Lane (where they are endlessly building breeding pods for lawyers and accountants) there is a glass fronted building that faces the old Rolls Building. If you stop a minute, and the light’s right, you can see the Rolls reflected across its entire surface – a gigantic plasma screen. It’s not a perfect mirror – there are the lines of the window frames and the odd internal light manages to catch a shadow and shines through incongruously. It reminds me of how I want to write – layers of old and new, meanings and symbols inter-twined. It also makes me wonder if a building could have a jacket would it go for the glass or the carved stone. Perhaps there’s something to be read from the fact that glass buildings don’t last – either metaphorically or literally.

    And then on to work, where the daily battle to ‘imagine’ takes place. There are days, especially sunny days like yesterday, where the notion that I do not create anything tangible is almost too much to bear. All day, most days, I talk and I think and I type. I manipulate bits of plastic held together by wires to change the sequence of photons on a screen and affect someone’s life in some way at varying degrees of emotional and physical distance. I rarely see the people I am (attempting to) impact on. They do not transact, by and large, with me (I can’t make simple ‘market’ judgements as to whether what I do is worthwhile or not – beyond remaining in employment). I do not hear them laugh, or clap or swear. I cannot step back from my work and take it home, or see it on a shelf or live in it or sit on it or eat off it or indeed, eat it. And I don’t mean this in an emo-sense – it’s just adjusting to living and working with ideas – I guess I had always expected to have a more direct link between my work and artefacts. Although, I guess, this Mac I’m typing on is some form of substitute or derivative of the ideas that I ‘sell’ to my employer, rather than to a publisher.

    Ho hum. Humdrum. I hate having ‘it wasn’t supposed to be like this’ conversations. Always so pointless. Particularly when I’m talking with myself. And I’m not good at listening.

    Which is why the second half of the day was so interesting. I snuck in at the back for the launch of ‘We-think‘ by Charlie Leadbeater, with a critique / well-mannered bun-fight with Andrew Keen, of ‘Cult of the Amateur’ fame. The latter was splendidly rude about lots of things. And spoke eloquently about among other things, the fetishisation of risk, the decline of state, Rousseau, silicon valley nonsense and the different forms of handcart we’re going to hell in. I don’t think he writes about Arsenal FC in his book, which Charlie does – but more on that later.

    I’d already seen Andrew’s arguments by following his online trail over the last couple of days. And it was fun to be in a room full of people who would be twittering and blogging about this event (I counted at least five people whose blogs I’ve read in a work capacity there last night, and at least two were doing some form of live update).

    Charlie says (sorry, always wanted to type that) that the web (and web 2.0 in particular) is an opportunity for creating a whole new way of looking at things, for innovation, for thinking of ourselves – ‘we think therefore we are’. On the night there were dissenters claiming that it fell short of ‘grand narrative’ or ‘philosophy’ because it did not address economics (and never have I felt closer to the 18th century than in typing those words) – but as much as I disagree with some of what Charlie says (through self-interest mainly) I think these people missed the point.

    If the ‘old’ culture was about material things centred around the individual, then the ‘new’ culture is about ‘shared’ things in the collective. But there are still important ‘economic’ drivers, they are just not monetary ones – these are ‘kudos’, ‘ratings’ and ‘trust’. This is what the digital natives derive value from. Obviously at some point we have to convert that currency into one that buys beer tokens, but that can’t b too far off.

    And it set me thinking, about what I want from life. It used to be a row of perfectly bound books with my name on them. And would e-books, or self-published books (I did my first POD project a few weeks ago on blurb.com) be the same? No. Unless, maybe, just maybe, I received a similar kind of satisfaction or substitute – and I don’t just mean sales. Maybe it is simply about having ‘fans’. Maybe it is as simple and basic as people saying ‘I like you’ (enough to comment / buy / send you a Facebook custard pie’).

    Which is a bit chastening, in a sense, because I’ve always considered myself very much an island. And yet all I am doing is endlessly re-creating my own episode of Lost. :O)

    And anyway, tying it back to earlier, it struck me that this clash of old and new has been re-enacted countless times throughout history, and is perhaps the closest I will get to the occluded front of innovation – if you’ll pardon the meteorogical pun. Because ultimately it’s not about me and my generation any more. It’s about the Wii-generation. Those that would rather play tennis in their living room on a screen, than with a ball in the rain outside. And this makes me wonder about sport, and religion and culture – but more on that another day.

    Not so funny when I’m being serious, eh? Or perhaps that should read ‘when I’m taking myself too seriously’. La la la la la. I can’t hear you. Deaf in both headphones. Eat qwerty and hit F4. Smile.

  • Exploding donuts

    If I were to were to write an adventure for Tintin, I would definitely update Captain Haddock’s vocabulary. A little list, based on experiences over the last few weeks:

    1. Exploding donuts. When making your own churros, make sure to have a clear understanding of what you’re doing, or you will discover for yourself that donuts, once taken out of hot fat, have a tendency to explode if the dough wasn’t properly mixed. Or the oil was too hot / too cold / not Spanish enough. Anyhoo. These badgers go bang. And while it’s kind of neat, it’s also spraying burning hot donut insides all around your kitchen. And yes. As a boy I felt the need to test this phenomenon. Several times. Until I burnt myself. And it wasn’t funny any more. Nor was cleaning donut gloop off the hob hood.
    2. Headphones of productivity. I don’t believe these figured in any of the role-playing games I pretended to have enough friends to play with in my youth, but they should have done. There’s something about headphones that makes me get on with things. This is a bit disturbing. Perhaps it’s simply immersion in the task at hand. Perhaps my brain is the donut. Ole, as opposed to oil-y.
    3. Dental plans. You can take the catholic out of the church, but that doesn’t stop you getting cavities. Home win.
    4. Mental plans. You can take the teethies out of the mouthies, but you cannae make them talk, captain. They’re giving me everything they’ve got.
    5. Lambada, wherefore art thou? Rum baba, addis adaba, the dowager. Never in the news. Old news. History, even. Draw.

    And so on and so on, son. Lots of stuff going on. But not a lot to say publicly.

  • Lost in translation

    An odd day, an odd week.

    Nearly 5,000 words written, translating between what people feel, what an organisation can and wants to say, a little personal opinion and a lot, a lot, of words.

    On the tube – giving up my space for others, bloody-mindedly, ignoring etiquette.

    In the supermarket – romanian man trying to explain the concept of ‘air freshener’ to the bangladeshi crew in the supermarket.

    At home – our polish cleaner has decided the note she left us last week was not clear enough, so a row of empty bottles are on the table top.

    In the supermarket again, ringing up a bagel for £692. Swearing. Laughter.

    At work. Negotiations. Coded language. Smileys. Threats of conversations. Heaven forbid.

    Hopefully I can translate….ha ha… some of this into something meaningful in the next few days. It’s time to make a move, gentlemen. :o)

  • The fallacy of Highland Park

    When one is imitating heroes, it is probably better to use the pen that Rankin writes with rather than drink the whisky that Rebus does.

    1700 words in two gruelling days. None of it for the novel. None of it accredited. But still, satisfying in its own way. I have added another piece of kit to the wishlist – some noise cancelling headphones. It’s quite comforting to hear nothing but your own breathing. Except when you have to hear yourself ask some comedy questions in an interview. I have a particular nasal drone on mic that I particularly hate. Anyhoo, highlight today was the re-re-wind of me asking one of my top boffin colleagues…. ‘so [pause] um. Is [that] a good thing or a bad thing?’

    Sigh. Marvin, me.

    I also entertained my chums over at Fetcheveryone with a superb demonstration as to why coffee should also be rationed on the NHS. A sample below:

    SPARTA!!!
    To be sung in either a Skol Skol Skol style or (preferably) running around a meeting room like a demented bee. If you don't look like Buster Bloodvessel you're not doing it right.

    This is Sparta!
    Running is Sparta!
    Bees is Sparta!
    Demented Bees is Sparta!
    Doing it right is Sparta!
    Fetching is Sparta!
    Flipcharts is Sparta!
    Marker pens is Sparta!
    Action Points is Sparta!
    To be or not to be!
    My mistake
    Is SPARTA!
    Elvis is Sparta!
    Dracula is Sparta!
    Intervals is Sparta!
    #8 is Sparta!
    Rock is Sparta!
    Challenge Anneka is Sparta!
    Basil Brush is Sparta!
    I've drunk too much coffee
    Is Sparta

    Sparta is as Sparta does
    You don't know what is in a box of chocolates unless you open it
    UNLESS IT'S SPARTA

    Indecision is Sparta!
    Uncertainty is Sparta!
    Sugarcubes is Sparta!
    Paxman is Sparta!


    No. Seriously. He. Is. Sparta.

    [fx:thud] is Sparta!
    Aww! is Sparta!

    Blogging is Sparta!
    Deadlines is Sparta!

    Help me. Is Sparta!
    Running out of Sparta!
    No twoforone on Sparta!
    Seriously. It's running out.
    Is Sparta!

    Is.

    Must.

    Have.

    Chocolate.

    Sparta. Give. Me. Strength.

    See? And that was before the Highland Park. La. And indeed. La.

    Oh yes. I also realised today that most of my. New. Concatenated style. Has a name. It’s blank verse. Poorly punctuated. Blank verse. Thirty five (nearly thirty six) fucking years old and I’m a fucking poet. Bollocks to that.

    Good night.

  • Displacement activities 101

    I am supposed to be writing some punchy and pithy prose for my employer (on my own time, for reasons I can’t remember but quite possibly because I’m avoiding writing the novel. Again.). I have observed all the textbook preparations – drunk far too much the night before so that I don’t flit about from thought to thought but instead plod mournfully from cliche to cliche. I have drunk tea. I have been to the shop. I have transcribed my notes. I have made a second set of notes from the tape. I have moved those notes between editing applications. I have put some meta themes on index cards.

    And now, I’m looking at the pigeons walking around the furniture in a neighbour’s garden and wondering what the squirrel is doing in their big flower pot.

    Funny how fascinating a big fat bird doing nothing much in particular can be. I feel like opening the window and shouting ‘wassup bro’ at it, in case it too is avoiding doing some really important crapping on things, and um, preening.

    Watching the pigeons. I had a dream last night about some form of school trip or other bus outing where I saw both Elvis Costello and Someone Not Unlike Elvis Costello and wondering what the chances of that happening where.

    About as likely as the pigeon (which is now cooing above my head, the bastard) beaking out some copy for me. Ok now – after me ‘children are the future…’

  • A new version of Ivan Salcedo is available! Please update now.

    So. Was a word that I rarely used when I was younger. I would write longer sentences. I guess I’m getting old and simply can’t be bothered with the polysyllabic polyfilla. I would break rhythym with an exasperated ‘Anyway…’ which when the intertron started changed to ‘Anyhoo’. Americans. Bad influence.

    But now I use ‘so’ as my stock ‘changeup’ word. I am liking staccato phrasing more and more. I guess it’s a move from sixth-form poetry to some form of Hegleyism. Or maybe it’s a secret yearning to write Catherine Cookson aga-sagas and have oodles of middle-aged women nudging each other in the Post Office. And no, that’s not a euphemism. I’ve never read any Hegley. Or Ism. Nor Cookson for that matter. Although I did once read the serial number of an aga. Or whatever those pretend-agas are. Raeburns. That’s it. Funny the total kibble you can dredge up from your memory if you really want to.

    But I digress. My New Year’s Writing Resolution (surely a C86 ‘b’ side) isn’t going so well. I have spent some time looking at words that I have allegedly written. And indeed, I have even moved my pen and pencil in such a manner that would suggest cuneiformic intention, or at least Le Doodle (incidentally, is there a 2.0 company called Doodl yet? If not, why not?). However, little has happened in anger. Though some re-plotting has been done in sorrow. Back story has been buried so deep as to be in the garden of another novel entirely. C’est le turf, or vie or summat.

    Anyhoo. I have finally installed Scrivener and I even read the tutorial that is how seriously I am taking my displacement tactics this time round. Still, I have to write close to 5000 words for work next week, so I should be so heartily sick of documentary that I will be positively flowing in the polychromatic visions of Tom and Flame Haired Parker.

    No-one is out there, I know, but if you ever stumble across this, do say ‘hi’. And sorry if you’re a Raeburn owner and are now offended. Or love Cookson. Or God Forbid. You are a Hegley-ite. Let me just say, for now. A pre-emptive “HI” back.