Crunchy yet chewy

There appears to be a surfeit of adjectives doing the rounds. I blame the blueberry-flavoured, extra-filtered yet comfortable, expensive and soft, new, improved Cillit Bang. And the grammar’s gone! Seriously, there are too many things that are too many things. Let a thing be a thing, people. Why can’t a cereal bar simply be a humble cereal bar?

Why does it have to be both crunchy and chewy? What kind of message is that sending out to kids? EH? You can’t be both black and white. Unless you take out the middle eight and ‘ooh oohs’. But then you’re left with a B side, and never was an adjective more deserved than as a B side. Except perhaps a conjunction – ‘however’ or ‘because’ would work equally as well. Although it’s generally – what can I not sell on the next LP. Kids.

Anyhoo. So – where was I? Ah, yes, confuzzling people. Well – you see – we’re pretty au fait with there being too much packaging in and around products nowadays. The liberal forget-me-nots and the neo-con naysayers all meet in the middle, surrounded by an extra fine sheet of bio-degradable, ethically sourced, ribbed for her pleasure – her shopping pleasure – bio-exo-nanoo-nanoo-plastic.

However (that word again – if I could compare you to a summer’s day you would be Thursday July 28 1979), no mention is made of how much word-(w)rapping goes on nowadays. Individual word clouds surround politicians and marketeers like Vurts. There is too much language. Too much sentiment. Too many empty adjectives. And not. Enough. Fucking. Nouns.

Or nuns. Or clowns. Or clown nuns. You know the ones – pretending they’re in some kind of religious Black and White minstrel show, except with red noses instead of face paint. They’re taking over the world you know. And you know what? They’re crunchy and chewy.

No. I didn’t write any of the novel today. Thanks for asking. Try the veal. I’m here all week. And let’s face it, I should know. BANG! And the thought is gone! [smile for the camera]

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