Dear BBC / God / Alan Sugar/Titchmarsh/Shearer (or Sugartits for short).…
Why?* Why are we faced with a glut of advertisements advocating the herd mentality? Why do these marketing cretins believe I am more likely to buy a brand of pro-bilious custard-get-my-organic– kids-into-a-better-detention-order IN A NEW! IMPROVED! Breakfast pot! simply because fourteen gazillion other sheep have bought it? I mean — did they like it? Or did they all, collectively, in one big global warming ‘ugh’, dump it into the nearest dog. I mean kitchen-waste. Hmm, why are there no pure-breed kitchen dogs? Surely it is not beyond the wit of man to breed an animal who will dispose of our organic waste. Although then I guess you need a progressive chain of animals that will dispose of the previous genuses disposals. Eat shit and die, as you americans call it.
Anyhoo, as usual, I digress. I’m finding myself increasingly lumped into a demographic, and expected to behave accordingly. Well, you know what? I’m going to find that 2 out of ten cat owners and I’m going to start a club. Like the scouts. Only more non-conformist (not hard, I’ll grant you). And we’ll like all the things no-one else does, by law. Except for shit (see above). And celery. Celery is conclusive proof Darwin was right, because otherwise the Watchmaker would need to be both blind and A MORON. Celery is devil spawn. Although this does not rule in the devil existing. But if she did. You know.
The devil eats celery. Grows celery. For all I know, is made of celery. Prada, you say? Look closely my friend. Cellular structure, uncomfortably close to Triffid-type buckles. Check. Ce. Le. Ry.
* I appreciate that the BBC does not accept advertising, but if it was as good as it should be, I would never be exposed to celery. I mean commercial television. And I would live in Hampton Wick and be married to someone from Snub TV.
