This isn’t just any effluent…

… it’s Salmon pink, marsh­mal­low roasted, Essex blonde, new potato, Elvis in a dress, mar­su­pi­als breed­ing with mam­mals efflu­ent. Avail­able from your local Marks and Spanks for just a nappy or two.

I’ve realised a bit late in the day that one of my own heroes (or her­rors, as I just tipped) has already writ­ten J-Pod. So, once again, I am back to the draw­ing board, although frankly, by the very men­tion of the bug­gers, you would think that half of the mid­dle classes would be Leonar­dos by now. Sim­i­larly, there must be a lot of escapol­o­gists work­ing in agen­cies if they have to think out­side the box so often. Which is a very tired joke. Unless there was a Box reli­gion. In which case it would become imme­di­ately edgy (ON TOP of it being boxy, badda bing badda box) and you know, street.

Although a street box would invari­ably be some kind of food con­tainer, and there­fore not very big. I have always assumed that this ‘box’ that I am meant to think out­side of is quite large. Pos­i­tively big. Although not as big as Elvis. Or indeed, Eavis. Oh Glasto, let me count the ways that I hate thee. Although it is not, as yet, sold in a box.

Of course, street boxes don’t fig­ure as high on the amer­i­can express scale as DHL car­tons or Ikea pack­ing card­board. Which makes it fair game for exper­i­men­ta­tion. Many’s the grue­some image we are force fed via our telling visions of boxes cov­ered in grafitti or dipped in canola oil. Boxes cov­ered in oil AND/OR onions are a reg­u­lar fea­ture of my local paper and OH MY GOD the irony, my local paper will inevitably end up as some­thing cov­ered in fat. Or poop.

Which brings us back to FA-ti-doh. Etc. At ease gen­tle­men, your pupils are no longer required.

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